Controlling Versus Coaching

How parents may be unintentionally limiting teens opportunity to build confidence, creativity and problem solving skills

Parents, I want to ask you a very tough question! Is your parenting style controlling or coaching? Often, parents will say the latter but their communication and actions express the former.

“I just want my parents to leave me alone.” “I want to figure things out on my own.” “My parents don’t trust me.” These are all common phrases I hear a lot from my teen clients. Teens want to build confidence and learn life skills, it is a part of their finding their identity. I know what you are thinking and the answer is yes, despite how long their clean clothes have been left unfolded and their rooms a mess they still want to be independent and feel confident doing it.

So here is the scenario, it's day 4 and your teens' clean clothes are still spread out on the floor unfolded. After days of providing subtle hints and your irritation increasing, it finally gets done! THANK GOODNESS! Yes, your teen had to run out of clothes and blamed you for not having anything to wear but you did it! You allowed your teen to take on the responsibility themselves by taking a step back. You observe your victory from afar and notice that their method of folding will only ensure the wrinkles set in deeper. You go into your teens room and completely take over or make a comment about their lack of attention to detail or laziness. Nine times out of ten this will immediately escalate and turn into an argument.

Parents, when we say, “That’s not how you do it!” “Why didn’t you ask me for help?” “Are you sure that’s how you want to do it?” “Look what happened?” you are unintentionally communicating to your teen that they are incapable and untrustworthy. By and large, by placing observation and judgement on the outcome, you are starving your teen of building internal self-esteem, confidence and capability. I promise you, this method will not make the clean clothes get folded faster next week. Overtime, this method instills your teen thinking and feeling like “ if this is the result, what is the point of trying?”

Organic consequences are the most reinforcing. Just because a chore or project is not done the way you would have done it does not mean that the chore or project is left unfinished. Yes, you should absolutely set expectations and define what is a clean room, folded laundry, taking out the trash, (whatever the chore or expectations that you have set for your child). The goal is that they learn to do things their way and find success and confidence in their capability, even if it takes a couple months of wrinkled clothes to get there!

There was a recent study that came out about today’s parenting. School-aged kids were asked what they thought their parents cared about more: achievement or caring for others. Eighty percent said their parents' perceived achievement more than caring for others. Eighty percent! This is huge! Please remember parents, just because your teen is not doing it your way does not mean that it is incorrect. Allow your teen to make mistakes and learn through those mistakes!

Resource:

Big Life Journal by Alexandra Eidens, 2019