Taking Away the Phone

How to disconnect from technology and reconnect as a family

Here is the reality: it is more likely a teen owns a personal phone than not, the majority of teens are on social media at least once a day, if not constantly, and parents are concerned more than ever about their teens usage. What is a health boundary with technology? I hear time and time again parents concern for their teens phone usage.

Some parents want their teens to have phones because they want their teen to feel connected to their friends. Often, teens need the technology for homework; but, most importantly, the phone is there for communication and safety. Parents want to be able to get a hold of their teens and check in if ever there is an emergency. While all of these are advantages a phone can provide, I see parents constantly fighting and overall frustrated with how much the phone has become a distraction and priority to their teen.

Developmentally, teens are growing into themselves. They are trying on personalities and figuring out who they are and who they want to be. The need to belong and be accepted is a universal human trait. Unfortunately, for parents, the teenage years heighten this need and friendships become prioritized and take precedence over family relationships. In addition, social media has created a hypervigilance about how teens are perceived by their peers. The need to belong and be accepted has now become quantitative in the amount of views and likes on social media platforms. For teens who are connected to these platforms on their phones, it takes precedence and therefore you have a teen who is unwilling to disconnect from their phone.

There is no hard and fast definition of right or wrong. You, as the parent, need to decide if the phone usage is hindering your teens mental health, school work, family time and overall well-being. Teens aren’t going to set this boundary and simply walk away from their phones voluntarily. Boundaries have to be enforced so teens are able to learn the skills and grow self- awareness. Set limits (discussed as a family and with your teens input) and model the behavior you want to see. If you make it a rule that there are to be no phones during family time, you yourself cannot be taken away by your phone. Consistency with boundaries and modeling are key!

In any family I am working with, I highly encourage weekly family meetings. Allow the space and opportunity to talk about your feelings and perspective of your teens relationship with their phone. Family meetings are also about listening to your teens feelings and giving them the same space to openly discuss their thoughts and feelings as well. From there, encourage joint problem solving. Allow your teen to be a part of the decision and listen to their input. Maybe your teen has an idea you would have never thought of! To simplify, family meetings are to join with your teen and problem solve. You and your teen against the problem, not the problem diving you and your teen. Some examples of solutions I have had teens come up with:

• A phone bank or charging station. Every day when parents and teen come home from school/work they charge their phones for an hour and catch up on their day/ re- connect.

• A curfew for the phone. No phone past 10PM. Everyone’s phone get put away and the families use old-school alarm clocks.

• Teens leave their phone downstairs when doing homework or upstairs during family dinner. (Create designated no phone activities or times.)

• Turning the phone in when studying/ working on homework and only using the phone for a timed brain break in-between study sessions.

• Get an app that disconnects for you

• Come up with a family hobby, game night or something to connect as a family every week. (I like families to do this after their weekly family meetings.) Create a space where an activity can replace being on the phone.

Family meetings also allow parents the opportunity to set clear expectations. Give your teen the chance to practice responsibility and actively work on a compromise. The most important thing to remember is to never just take the phone away! I say this because teens will fixate on not having their phone, rather than the negative behavior that got the phone taken away to begin with. When we resort to punitive punishment more often than not the punishment is not connected to the behavior you want to see changed. Punitive punishment will only instill resentment, revenge and rebellion in your teen. Have an open discussion with your teen and discuss a family solution to the problem.